Cuts and gouges
Topic: Rambling

We all have to make hard decisions. Often times the choice hurts us just as much as others. But when the choice is for the better, you have to stay with it. It will hurt today, and it'll probably hurt tomorrow. But it will hurt to lesser and lesser degrees with time. It won't totally go away either; there will be days where a feeling of hurt creeps up and gives your heart a squeeze.

But we are humans (unless there are some Marglars reading this), and we adapt and survive. We've survived a long time on a planet that can be very harsh. We are survivors, and we're damn good at it. So while we may hurt today, we'll hurt less from today's wounds tomorrow, and less and less over time, with phantom twinges of hurt sporadically over time.

A fighter
Topic: Rambling

He is here alone. He is a have-not, fighting for the have-nots. He does not rest, he does not take respite, for there is no time. He goes without because he can afford it not. He does not eat the bread, for it is poisoned by the waste of the haves.

Here he stands in the dead of night. Here he makes his stand alone. All he can do is scream into the blank, and yet no one will hear. He sits and he screams until his voice is raw and he tastes blood upon the back of his throat.

All gestures of condolence are appreciated, but they are too small a bandage to cover a gaping wound. He is bleeding to death, yet still he fights on.

And so he stands, dealt blow after brutal blow. No bell to end the round, only a fight to the bitter end. He fights not for himself, but for everyone else. He asks for no prize but the good of those for whom he fights. No glory does he ask, nor none does he expect.

And so he stands alone. Stands to face the titan. Stands to give his all.

And in the end...gave his life.

Burning out
Topic: Rambling

I am a tried man. I am tired physically, mentally and emotionally.

I am lucky to find six hours of sleep in a night, most nights I sleep for about four hours. I sleep unrestfully on buses and in between classes. I drink liters of coffee and gallons of Dr. Pepper. I have become desensitized to caffeine in that I only notice when it is absent. I walk miles in a week with at least twenty pounds strapped to my back, more often more. I am a man inches from physical breakdown every day. That I have survived three years operating as such is really amazing.

Every week, when Friday rolls around, I can only think of doing nothing. Yet, I really can't do that. I've described how my thought process works before, and it is this that keeps me awake all hours of the night, adding to physical exhaustion. I've always liked a mental challenge. But when they come relentlessly, wave after wave, wearing me thin. I think I can solve almost any computer problem that can be put before me, but when they are layered again and again atop one another and I have such a short window in which to solve them all, I begin to fray around the edges. I sometimes worry about my sanity as such, if at some point, it will break. If not, then I will have been tested in a very hot crucible, and I'll be almost indestructible on the far side.

I'm lonely. I think that word alone suffices. People have called it right, this thing does preoccupy my mind. I fear loneliness. I have been an island for most of my life and I hate it. I want it to stop so I can stop thinking about it. I want it to stop so I can relax and have someone help stitch me together at my edges. Ask me in the daytime and I'll deny that I'm lonely. Ask me in the dead of night, and I'll confess my feelings and speak sooth.

And to top it off, now I'm fighting for a cause. Fighting a colossus of immense proportion and resource. Fighting something that fears me greatly, but wields authority based upon the bullet. But I cannot back down, for there is too much to loose here. This is not from being a concrete black-and-white thinker but from being a compassionate human who has suffered much and can no longer stand idly by and let myself and others endure more suffering. I cannot let hard won rights be undone in eight short years. I cannot stand and let other of my generation to be needlessly sent to die why I sit comfortably here in front of this computer. I must fight, even if I do not win. I cannot stand down. I cannot let people forget what is at stake and the scope of the loss.

I'm tired. I just wanna lay it all down and walk. I just wanna say, "Fuck it! I quit!" But I cannot. My conscience won't let me, even though it would be physically very easy to just leave it all and let the cards fall where they may.

Fuck.

No peace
Topic: Rant

Don't want to be an American idiot.
Don't want a nation under the new media.
And can you hear the sound of hysteria?
The subliminal mindfuck America.
American Idiot, Green Day

I bring no message of peace, for until fundamentalism is gone, there is no peace.

I bring tidings of a fight against corruption, greed, lies, secrecy and fundamentalism.

I vow to never stand down. I vow to bring the power to the people. I vow to never take the lies and crap from above.

I will take from the haves and give to the have-nots. I will shake the foundations of the world.

I question an authority that is afraid of exposure. I question an administration that seeks to reduce the rights of the populace. I question the people that would vote for such an administration.

I ask the America that voted for the deceivers: why are you afraid of homosexuals? Why do wish to deny them the tax status of married couples? The truth is that married couples pay more taxes and get fewer exemptions than single people. Besides, the word of law in the eyes of the document is union. Sanctity of marriage is the domain of the churches, not the government. And if you want the government to protect the sanctity of marriage, then you better fucking ban divorce as well. Consistency, America, I will make you be consistent.

I ask again: do you really believe removing all forms abortion from the sanitary halls of a clinic and the protection of the sacred Hippocratic Oath is a good idea? If a person wants an abortion badly enough, they shall go to any lengths to get it. And they will go to the butchers of mercy in the streets to face mutilation, infection and death. How is that good, America? I will support you anti-abortion stance only with a few conditions: you have to agree to never go to war again and you have to agree to never sentence someone to death. Seriously, who made us arbiters of what human life is valuable? Is a person's life less valuable because he or she has been around for 18 plus years? Or because they do not play on the same team as you? Consistency, you are acting half-assed.

Terrorism. Hello, Earth to the Midwest, what do you have to fear from a terrorist? You have no well definable target for them to attack. Yes, you set on a massive resource of crop, but this covers huge numbers of square miles and is invincible to all but nature. Look at New York, they chose not the warrior, but the holder of the olive branch and the staff. And do you actually feel safe? Do you realize that you have never been safe? Not before, not during and not ever after will you be safe. No you do not need to live in irrational fear, but you need to be aware that the world is dangerous. You are more likely to die this evening on your commute home than you are to die from a terrorist or an invading government. You are more likely to die on your way home than by any other means (excepting smoking). Do not fear, and let no one make you fear. Turn that fear into indignation and demand that your leaders stop their mongering. Demand that your leaders stop increasing the risk, since the danger does exist in levels, but never at zero. Ask why that warning system has never gone green or blue. I know the answer, but you have to ask yourself are you ready for it.

So enjoy your pop-stars and your movie stars if they bring you escape from reality. Soon, no matter how much you or they try, the world shall never allow you a temporary suspension or reality. Things here are beginning to spin out of control, and no one is at the helm. While you sit in the dark and pay no attention, we shall struggle to save you all. And we shall ask only one thing when we have saved this out of control ship, that you never let go again.

The sea is no longer calm and the sky no longer clear and bright. We are here in the storm in the dark. Religion and politics sit in the same cart, as they have not done in centuries, and the whirlwind is sure to follow*.

I bring you no peace today, to say that is to lie. I bring you a path to peace, and it is fraught with peril. I'm willing to walk the path, as are many others. We talk the talk and we will walk the walk. At the end of the path lies the goal, and we will get there.

Power to the people.

*Paraphrased from Frank Herbert's Dune.

Fight!
Topic: Daily Info

With precision you feed me
My witness i'm hungry
Your temple it calms me
So I can carry on
My slaving sweating the skin right off my bones
On a bed of fire i'm choking on the smoke that fills my home
The wrecking ball rushing
My witness your blushing
The pipeline is gushing
While here we lie in tombs
While on the corner
The jury's sleepless
We found your weakness
And it's right outside your door

Now testify
Testify, Rage Against The Machine

First, a big resounding FUCK YOU to Ohio. Lemme say that another way. FUUUUUCK YOU Ohio. You can all eat shit. Fuckers. Are you blind? You are one of the worst off states due to Bush. Given that you believed otherwise against clear and present facts, I have a few bridges and parks you may be interested in buying.

Ya' done fucked up, America. Congratulations on endorsing a group of people that want regression.

I have changed my mind (Yes, I can do that, dogged, concrete thinking is a sign of mental instability, ask a psychologist). I shall stay here, and I shall fight hard with every ounce of my being. I will point out every logical inconsistency. I will point out out every flaw and every contradiction. I will make it painfully obvious that this decision was wrong. I shall be front and center at every protest. We may have been defeated, but the margin was not that great. We may have been defeated, but this does not mean we have to roll over and take it.

I encourage all of you who feel down-hearted and disenfranchised to stand up and fight. We can keep these things on everyone's minds, we can keep pressing. Nothing is more powerful than an unrestful populace, so we must remain unrestful. Remember, there are another set of crucial elections in 2 years, and there we can hope to yank control of the legislature away from the regressors. Two years is long time, but we can make it. We just have to be willing to stand up and be strong.

It would be nice if there were healing but that would require a step away from the fundamentalism that is running this country. And if what is meant by healing is embracing or tolerating fundamentalism, I never want any healing. I want to shred that wound open and rout out this infection.

We may have lost this day, but the margin is not large enough to be called a mandate. So we must question and fight at every turn. Questioning your elected officials is the most patriotic things you can do, and let no one tell you otherwise. I will continue to be hypercritical of all my elected officials, and I will not let them lie to me. I will not stand down. I will not concede. And I encourage you to do the same. We will win forth in the long run, but to do that, we cannot back off now.

Power to the people.

Voted
Topic: Daily Info

Well, I cast ballot number 977 for my precinct. And now to avoid all news-sources (especially that shit-pump Fox News) until tomorrow morning.

Votes
Topic: Daily Info

Well, in about 18 hours and 13 minutes, Minnesota will have cast its last ballot. And in another short slew of hours after that, we will all know the outcome. Here's hoping this country can open its eyes and see the stupidity that sits in office and decide to remove it. Oh, and for the fundamentalists, please, please, please stay the fuck home or go form your own country somewhere.

Remember the Puritans were kicked out for not being too liberal, but for being too conservative.

Oh yeah. One further thing. To the Texans who like the phrase "It's like a whole other country": Fine. Go form your own country. We'd be better off without your foolish and asinine shit.

Here's hoping we can step forward for the good of humanity, instead of a step back.

Short Aside: Here are two reasons to vote Kerry:

1. He supports furthering research of all kinds (not just stem cell as the Republicans claim, but also things like alternative fuels).
2. He supports higher education.

Good night.

And................................................

Forging
Topic: Daily Info

Greetings from Nowhere!

I've just finished a marathon coding session that started sometime around Monday afternoon. And I must say, I am fucking tired and more than a bit burned out. I've averaged around 3 hours of sleep a night since, and I'm really looking forward to sleeping. It'll be great. Of course, tomorrow also includes another hardcore coding session from around 10 in the morning until zero hour at midnight (actually, about five minutes before midnight). Likely, when anyone next hears out of me, I'll be more or less just a worthless husk only capable of basic bodily function.

So, this is it, catch you on the other side of the forge, if I make it.

Revolution starts today
Topic: Rambling && Rant

If you're free you'll never see the walls
If you're head is clear you'll never freefall
If you're out right you never fear the wrong
If you're head is high you never fear at all
Exploder, Audioslave

These are my thoughts. My inspiration comes from the greats before me who stood tall for their principles and let the chips fall were they may. My impetus comes from those who suffer in the here and now. These are things I cannot remain silent about, and if no one else will speak them, then I shall. For this, I claim no glory or gain, except that which benefits those for who I speak.

There are those in my generation, like in generations before, who are held down by those from above. We are the silent engine of a system that seeks to hold us fast. They have us seek things we do not need nor can we rightly obtain. We are told that just a bit more work, just a few more payments and we are in the clear, yet we are never allowed to make that step beyond servitude.

We are the ones that serve food to the top, often thanklessly. We clean the hallways, we run the buses, we do the thankless. But more than that, we write the software, we run the spreadsheets, we fill and file the paperwork. We are the dynamo, the lubrication, the bolts, the very fabric upon which the top sits in grotesque leisure and directs our lives.

We have been deceived into this. Sick and twisted humans have warped what was once our sense of trust and good nature and forced us into this indentured service. We have been taken advantage of, our ambitions and drives subverted and channeled out of good nature and willingness to be good humans.

Our own humanity has trapped us here, our own desire to be decent humans has been co-opted by those upon the top. They keep us in line by offer tantalizing glimpses of that easy life. We are tempted with offers of low interest-rates, low payments, high credit limits, easy financing. We are tempted, and in the hope of end to servitude, we grab at these things not realizing that by doing so we further entangle ourselves in their net.

I am here to dispel these things, for those who I speak. We chase things we do not need. We have no need of sports cars with poor mileage. We have no need of designer clothes, designer shoes, designer anything. We need not persist in an eternal unspoken popularity contest amongst ourselves. We waste our time competing against one another, when we should be struggling to break our bonds, to set ourselves free and to let the top topple and fall as a house of cards.

Here is the thing of which I speak. We hold all the keys and we guard all the doors. Without our participation, this system shall fail. We are its components, and without us, it ceases to be. We are the separation between society and anarchy. We may not all know this now, but soon we will. On that day, there will be revolution, and we will take control of the society that we comprise. And those that kept us chained shall be left in the cold with no recourse. We shall not force them to serve us, for that would demean us all. We shall leave them to fend for themselves on the outside, to be culled by the elements and their own greed. The world will be ours, and it will be a different place from this one.

I see a world without banks, for money is purely arbitrary and hinders us all. I see a world freely trading in resource and thought, pushing humanity beyond this stagnation. I see a society free from the urge of war, since this is a society free from want. I see a place where everyone receives treatment and prevention of sickness. I see a place where people are free to think, where free discourse rules the day. I see a place without multinational corporations pushing for profit-share. A world without worthless bureaucracy. A world without excess levels of management. A world with no executives. A world unbound from ledger books. A world free to seek invention and innovation for the good of all. A world where there is no concern for food reaching the dinner table. A world of peace.

These are the things I see for us, the servant. For those we, serve, I see nothing. For them, they shall have the entirety of bleakness and blackness they have created. They shall reap what they have forced us to sow. And it shall be a bitter harvest.

We hold the power and we chafe against this yoke. We grow weary in this service and wish not to continue. We are tired of the deception and the false hopes. We grow restless holding this sphere upon our backs.

When the trembles of revolution are felt, it shall be too late. We shall have shifted to let the burden slide and fall to crash and crack where it may. No longer will interest payments be in our thoughts, but thoughts of freedom instead. We will not care not about the designer clothes, but about clothes that give comfort and last the day. We will forget the sports cars and instead think to how we can more efficiently move ourselves. The engine will grind to a halt as the lubrication fails to flow and the bolts come undone. The fabric holding the house of cards will come loose of its moorings and cease to be the security blanket of the few and become the bedding of the masses.

In the gritty after-math, the haves will become the have-nots. The world as we know it shall be stood upon its head. In this new world, those for who I speak shall be at home, and those I speak against will be set to wandering.

In the here and now, these things are just words, but words are powerful devices. Words to give vigor to those who pull under the yoke to sluff the unfair burden. Words to inspire passion. In the here and now, they may be words, but soon they shall be the declaration, the impetus, the reason behind the passion. And so I shall continue to speak and jostle and bring hope. One day my words will have done their job, and I shall no longer need them. I shall set these words down then, and enjoy the freedom won.

Carpe deim.

uhhhhhh....
Topic: Daily Info

I walk a lonely road
The only one I that have ever known
Don't know were it goes
But its home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone
Boulevard of Broken Dreams, Green Day

Ah, I love homework. Really, I do. I love making proofs I've made twenty times before. I love resolving a problem I've solved before. And then to top it off, I love being docked points for using the same process a professor uses to solve a problem.

Anyways, I dunno, finally finished off some software for work. There are a few things that I need to do to polish it off, but thats just icing on a cake.

Man, I'm just...eh, not sure if I wanna continue with this trail of thought this time of night.