Big-O and other stuff
Topic: Rambling && Daily Info

I'm frantic in your soothing arms
I cannot sleep in this down filled world
Found safety in this loneliness
But I cannot stand it anymore
The Unnamed Feeling, Metallica

Okay, if you ever wondered what would happen if post-modernism got into a three-way with existentialism and anime, it would be Big-O. Not knocking the show, it's great and has an entertaining story-line. It's just really, really weird and complicated.

I dunno. If you are tired of hearing me talk about what you know I'm going to talk about, this would be the point at which you might want to turn back. May I recommend User Friendly?

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I was speaking with Shannon tonight about some things, and she brought up a good argument: that I sometimes seem to act as if people are making attacks upon me when it comes to relationships. It's a fairly valid argument, at the least partially correct, most likely more.

I know no one does anything personally or intentionally. It just makes me uncomfortable, I guess. And as time further progresses, it makes me more uncomfortable. It warps me a little bit more.

Hanging out with Chris and his girlfriend today didn't phase me much, because Chris behaves universally. But with others, the behaviors change, at least this is my observation. Not a major change (although that does periodically happen), just something subtle.

It makes me feel like the outsider. Which is what I am, in that case, and rightly so. Humanity, when operating properly, first connects solely in pairs: one human to another. From a biological level all the way up to the meanings we humans impart onto our activities, it is pairs, always pairs. And so, the third is the outsider. The outsider can respectfully leave, or forcefully interject. One is moral, the other amoral.

But because it is moral does not mean it feels good. Which is the way moral decisions seem to work: one has to sacrifice for the others. There's nothing wrong with it, I guess. When I've gone off to the clearing at the end of the path, I hope someone says that I made moral choices.

I just hate that walking, lonely kind of hurt. No... not even really hate anymore; just tired of it. It's a dull ache, like a muscle over-worked, burning inside. But I guess I can shoulder this load a little longer.

I know it seems like I bring it up a lot, but not really, in the scope of all that I think on. These thoughts pass through my head less and less as time marches forward. They just happen to come up as I write in here. I use this place to bleed a little more of it off. But I wonder, what will happen when it is gone from me completely? To the point that I don't even care at all about such things? To the point where I don't even have that desire anymore?

The desire causes the hurt. The desire to not be alone. The desire that is the same among all humans.

So, Shannon, you're argument is right: I sometimes feel attacked by that. And I shouldn't, and I should try to change that. Thank you for calling me on it.

But I'm not bothered so much anymore, especially as I continue to write this and hash things out. I just feel awkward in those places, and that I should leave so as to not impose myself.

If my company is asked, I may give it depending on my own constraints, otherwise I shall occupy myself with tasks of my own. There is always software to design and code, papers to be written, and books to be read.

And this time I'll make it explicit: does anyone have anything they want to say? Any comments at all? I'm soliciting for them this time, and I would appreciate them here and now.