Topic: Rambling && Daily Info
Yeah, I code now. Much code. But its not the quantity of code that counts, but rather quality. I spent close to three hours deciphering someone else's code to determine the best method for solving the problem. Quality, always quality, makes a system better than quantity.
Tomorrow, I'll begin testing on my code to ensure that it works the way its supposed to. Should be fun. Then I'll work on moving some movies around out to the cluster to save some space. More fun.
On another note, I still think I'm a happy guy. I know it seems like I worry a lot about relationships, but in all actuality, it comprises proportionally small amounts of my thinking time. Let me decipher that. Because I can mutli-track think, and think very quickly, I end up thinking on things a large amount of the time. The only time my mind isn't working on something around my life (and those around me, which, by proximity. is a part of my life) is when I'm reading a book or sleeping. I read maybe two hours a day and sleep between seven and nine hours a day. As such, I end up thinking about anything and everything for anywhere between 13 and 15 hours a day. Insane, I know, but I enjoy it, I like solving problems. So, given this, I think on relationships maybe 10 to 15 percent of that total time (I know, kinda weird that I could quantify that, another product of thinking). As an example, I spent close to two hours today with my brother designing an electronic BCD clock and its physical and logical layout. Another example, I spent close to seven hours of thought on the software I was working on today (honestly, it was a very enjoyable time). So yes, I do think and postulate on relationships, yet, I think my problem is that when I turn that problem solving onto my self, I cannot divorce my emotions from analysis and, therefore, I end up running in circles.
So, hmmmm, don't worry about me unless you really want to, then go for it.
I dunno, am I confusing? I find myself very confusing lately. Not really sure what I myself am talking about sometimes. I apologize for dragging anyone down corridors of thoughts they did not feel like treading.
I have hope for my future, but it waxes and wanes. Where time and circumstance take me remains to be seen. Tomorrow, after all, is completely unknown and is only filled with ambiguity.
Before I go for the evening, I shall speak of the one thing I fear. I do not fear for my financial security, nor do I fear for my education, or any of those things that will make me materially successful. Not to seem cocky, but I am fully confident that I will get to a place in life where my skills will allow me to do as I please. No, the one thing I fear is something I have talked about on here before. I fear spending my life by myself. I fear this greater than I fear anything else in the world. I know I'm only 20 years old, but I still kinda wonder. I spent a great deal of my life by myself, with no real friends to speak of and only family. This was not by choice of myself or family, but rather a horrible combination of circumstances and the cruel nature of the little fucks from this horse-shit town (yeah, I know, I'm being bitter, but about this I am more than justified). As such, I fear going back to that loneliness (I know I have friends, I haven't forgot) or some version of it. Maybe my imagination is too active, but I can see myself as an old man in two scenarios. In one, I've had a good life with a good spouse, and as I get closer to passing on, I'm surrounded by my family. In the other, I've made many, many friends, and know many people, and learned much, but lay down and step out by myself. Yeah, I know, gruesome, and I shouldn't really think these thoughts as they'll likely make the men in the white coats come and get me, but they are my thoughts. Hopefully, it'll be some happy merging of the two scenarios. Only time will tell, I guess.
And as such, I bid you all a good night, and thanks for walking down the bizarre corridors of my mind. And thanks again to my friends for listening to me in person as I walk these weird halls and telling me that it'll be okay.
Later.