A little something from John
Topic: Rambling

If by a "Liberal" they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind, someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions, someone who cares about the welfare of the people -- their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, and their civil liberties -- someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicions that grip us in our policies abroad, if that is what they mean by a "Liberal," then I'm proud to say I'm a "Liberal."

John Fitzgerald Kennedy
Acceptance of the New York Liberal Party nomination (14 September 1960)

Thought that this would nicely clear things up.

A short little story
Topic: Daily Info

We're the regulators that de-regulate
We're the animators that de-animate
We're the propogators of all genocide
Burning through the world's resources that we cannot hide

Fool in denial
We're the cruel regulators smoking
Cigaro, cigaro, cigaro
Fool in denial
We're the cruel regulators smoking
Cigaro, cigaro, cigaro
Cigaro, System of a Down

Another thing, here's a short story I started on Thursday and finished just a little while ago. It's only about 7 pages of text (discounting the title page and copyright page), and is around 80 KB in size so it shouldn't break your bandwidth to download. The layout is setup to be printed and bound into a book, which explains why the pages look slightly off-kilter, this is on purpose.

Read and enjoy.

Hocus Defintion
Topic: Daily Info

Just one thing tonight, a little something about HD TV.

Did you know the average human eye cannot perceive the difference between regular TV and HD TV?

The corporations have to broadcast in HD by regulations from the FCC. This is because HD signals make better use of the bandwidth spectrum than regular signals.

Like watching real life? Yeah, right, not really. Don't fucking go for the bullshit. It's a regulatory move, and you'll never really notice the difference.

On loneliness
Topic: Rambling

The other night, I was talking with a friend about our varying plans for our separate lives. Her plan seemed well thought out, and she thought the same of mine.

This is all well and good, to a point. I looked back upon my plans, such carefully laid things, and realized how empty it was. It was not devoid of hard work and effort by any stretch of the imagination. But it was empty none-the-less. There is no other human in those plans but myself. Really lonely and empty when you think about it.

The plan? Finish up and graduate with my B.S. in Computer Science, take six months to a year-and-a-half off, apply to grad schools, get a PhD, and teach/research. That is the plan, in it's whole with the extra words of explanation removed for sake brevity.

"Well, that's not too bad," you might say. "It's full, but fulfilling at the same time." And you'd be partially correct. It is intellectually fulfilling. But something is missing, the crucial something that I find common in so many web-logs that I trawl across late at night observing raw humanity.

There are no others, and no room for them, in that plan. That plan is the plan of a man who is looking to spend years by himself in the man-woman emotional sense.

I will have my goal, I know that very well, there is very little that I am not capable of. But what of it? So I will have two fancy documents certifying first my general knowledge of the subject then near complete mastery. I will be successful in that material aspect of things. But things are just things. Other humans are more important than petty little objects.

"But you'll still be young, you'll have your whole life then to find further happiness," you reply. True and false: I will be young, but will I have any of that human connection machinery outside of persuasion skills to keep grant money flowing?

Maybe I should backtrack some, for those not fully caught up on the discussion. I have spent a long time alone. The majority of my life, and take that as a statement of truth. Interaction with one's immediate family (especially when one's immediate family ranges in ages from 12 to 41 years older than one's self) is only a small part and cannot substitute for interaction among ones peers, especially those of the opposite sex.

Now that we are all more or less up to speed, let us resume.

I fear that my capacity for those parts of myself, the loving and caring parts, the parts that have once or twice over-powered the rational dynamo that is my normal self, is diminishing. I find myself farther and farther from understanding those strange displays of affection I see as I walk down the street between classes. Even my own memories of such things have become remote. And this is only after a few meager years from those memories.

So what will happen five years from now? Will I still even be able to feel those things? To respond to those things? Or will it all have withered and faded?

It would be a sad and terrible trade off. Five years of hard work for what is looking to be at least 70 years where my course is the one I choose. But if I feel little or nothing for others, no matter how hard they try for me, what good is that life? I would not subject another to give and give for nothing in return. I have felt that situation enough myself to know that it is a horrible existence. So it would be a lonely and meandering 70 years. That's a long time folks, nearly three quarters of a century, time enough to span three or four generations of people. Seventy years ago, Nazis were in control of Germany, Stalin was in power, and the United States was struggling with the Great Depression. Does that help put scale upon the enormity of that span? Now imagine treading down that path alone.

To not be able to feel like that, to feel those feelings of two humans that love each other, would to be as broken as any sociopath or schizophrenic. I'd be less human than any given person walking beside me on the sidewalk.

It is a fearful thing. And if I knew for certainty that by forsaking the PhD for a few years, or entirely, I could avoid that, I would forsake that degree in a heartbeat. I may have only a somewhat completed education, but it would be worth it to be a full man.

I don't blame the others in my life for these things. This is the course that the universe traveled upon based upon our mutual choices. The others have moved on, and so have I. But while they found themselves warm places, I found myself deep in a cold and sanitary hall. I hold no jealousy for this, only my choices brought me here, so this is of my own doing, and it is the thing I will have to abide by. The hall is much larger than I can perceive, and there may be something on the far end, or it may go on forever. My only recourse is to continue to walk forward, step after step, mile after mile. I will not give up where I stand.

Does that make sense? Have I cleanly articulated my fear? I think I have. It runs deep: it took root years ago in my childhood and has continued unchecked since.

And now, on an unrelated note, I must get started on some homework that is due tomorrow.

Topic: Daily Info

Well, I've got one of my Compaq Proliant servers up, although it is sometimes cantankerous about when it wants to start. Since it is so shock sensitive (strange for a computer that weighs upwards of 70 pounds), I may build some kind of cart with smooth swiveling casters for it. This one I will call Bebop, after the cantankerous ship from the show Cowboy Bebop. The specs on it are two Pentium Pro chips (yes, ancient I know), 1 GB of RAM, and 36 GB of 10,000 RPM SCSI across five disks (gotta look at the RAID possibilities). Two network cards, one the standard 10/100BaseT and one 10/100/1000BaseTX. Haven't got to the install point just yet, as I have no spare monitor (at least one that works), but I think I'll try out my free copy of Windows Server 2003 that I got from MSDNAA. Not sure what for the other server, maybe a custom Gentoo or Debian GNU/Linux.

The other is still no dice, even after I've spent a few hours going over it with a fine tooth comb and comparing the configuration to it's sister, Bebop. As for the name, I'm thinking of the following:

• Defiant


• Katherina


• Ophelia


• Falcon


• Mia

Basically anything that is remotely cantankerous from literature or popular culture. Any suggestions anyone might have would be appreciated.

Anyway .... well, fuck it, I have more important things to do.

Until the high bits are set.

How mcuh can I read?
Topic: Daily Info

If I could have my wasted days back
Would I use them to get back on track?
Stop to warm at karma's burning
Or look ahead, but keep on turning?
Frantic, Metallica

Yeah, gotta love homework. Since Tuesday night, I've read 200+ pages, and I still have some to go. And this isn't nice, leisurely material, this is heavy stuff.

Made a lot of progress on the book. If anyone else wants to read it, let me know. I've got chapter one mostly done, although I may expand on it as time goes on. I've got a large portion of chapter six finished, and two of three appendices finished. I'm going to add a chapter/appendix on the idea of software design and programming as an art form, since it's something that is not mentioned much and needs to be stressed. Where it fits in logically is another matter, and a few chapters may get moved around a bit, although I will leave chapter six towards the end, since it's fairly heavy stuff and not something I want new readers to encounter first and get scared away.

Later-o.

Stuff
Topic: Rambling && Daily Info

Ah ... classes. Good stuff. Most of my professors are complete nut-cases, which means a relatively fun semester. My classes are about half graduate, half undergraduate in composition, which makes for an interesting mix. The HSci class is a bit weird, though. First there are actually females in the class, which is very odd from having been surrounded by mostly guys doing the CS major. Secondly, I think I've out written all abut the graduate students in that class. Strange indeed. Well, at least there are ladies to talk to.

Hmmm, other things .... I dunno, the usual I guess. I still carry with me only harsh and stark reality. I still refuse to bend to any man, to any power. I refuse to believe the lies and the deceit. I refuse to believe the delusional fools that somehow think this is the end time (people have been saying this since 999 AD) and we should waste our resources. I shall stand tall and fight back mysticism and superstition.

Ayuh
Topic: Daily Info

Anyway.

I'll have my name in a scientific paper. Sweet, huh? Indeed. And all the software works. And I've just got a few more things to do, and I can go work on something else. I can finally put this file_server business behind me for a few months. It'll be great.

And I sit here, with a weeks worth of beard and mustache on my face, and I'm wondering if I should shave it back to just the chin or not. I dunno. It is awfully itchy, which may make me shave it off tomorrow.

I think I'll just keep cranking on some software and a bit on the book/booklet. Anyone got a better title for me, something other than "The Computer Evangelist"? I'm fully open to suggestions.

I fucking hate Shakopee
Topic: Rant && Daily Info

Another reason for me to hate Shakopee with a flaming passion: a petty $28 fine for snow-lane parking after 2am. I dunno about you, but I see no snow, no forecast of snow, no satellite images of indicating weather that would cause snow, the fact that this piss-ant town couldn't afford to pay snow-plows the over-time at night, and the fact that it'll cost them more than $28 to process this. Fuckers. Fuck them and their petty bureaucratic games. Fuck them and their stupid pretend order and peace. Fuck them and their pretensions. Fuck them and their Republicanism. Fuck them and their illusion of safety.

I wish I had never had to learn anything about this town, that I had never known it. That would make me happy. Failing that, leaving here as soon as I can will make me happier than anything.

I fucking hate Shakopee. Almost as much as I hate Texas.

A fix
Topic: Update

Sorry, twas a bit of glitch when I made the PDF last night such that the table of contents didn't get put in (forgot to run the generator twice). I fixed it and the link is still the same.